iPhone 3G S: "Hi, my name is sucker."

"Hi, my name is Jamie, and I'm an iPhone 3G owner."

"Hi, Jamie!"

The group watches me suspiciously. Their programmed response is just that: programmed, no more sincere than my desire to be here. Standing in front of them, I feel naked, as if all my sins and defects have been exposed for everyone to see. They know the score, and I do too. Several of the people sitting in front of me are iPhone 2G owners and their glares cut through me like a finger swiping across the iPhone's brilliant TFT screen.

Months ago, I would have been an outcast amongst this group. Their grudging acceptance of me is rife with silent accusations. You see, months ago I was looking down at them and laughing, and they were looking up at me and scowling. Once proud to call themselves 'early adopters,' now they take pride in sharing their ordeal with others in the same boat. I recognize a face or two, probably from the news. Triumphant as they held their iPhones – some of the first purchased – high in the air on June 29, 2007, outside the Apple Store in Manhattan. Only to find out, a year later, that Big Brother Apple had forgotten about them.

I share their pain. Once counting myself lucky that the iPhone wasn't available in Canada until Rogers Communications began selling the 3G last summer (otherwise, I'd probably own a 2g), today I join the movement of technology mavens who are inevitably penalized for taking the plunge. You see, this week Apple announced the iPhone 3G S and the minute they did so, I too became a statistic. The new iPhone offers features which make my current 3G seem old and shoddy.

The added ‘S’ stands for ‘speed.’ My 3G's sluggish performance seems more pronounced this week, considering the 3G S offers a new processor – 600 MHz vs. the 2G's and 3G's lowly 412 MHz CPU – double the system RAM – 256 MB in the 3G S versus 128 MB – and a new graphics processor in the PowerVR SGX chip, which supports OpenGL ES 2.0. The 2G and 3G only support OpenGL ES 1.1; simply put, games on the new iPhone will look better and perform better. Add to this that the iPhone 3G S offers more memory – 32 GB in the premium model – and my miniscule 8 GB chokes back an inferior tear.

Other features drive the last nails into my gadget-laden coffin. The new camera sports autofocus, auto white balance and 3.0 megapixels (the first two are absent from the 2G and 3G, and both earlier models have a 2.0 megapixel camera). The new phone comes with video recording and editing (although this feature has long been available to anyone with the intestinal fortitude to jailbreak their 2G or 3G). Data speeds have been doubled from 3.6 Mbps to 7.2 Mbps, and the iPhone 3G S even comes with a magnetic compass. The new battery provides longer voice and data time, and the unit even boasts that it's waterproof and has a "fingerprint-resistant oleophobic coating."

Just to make us 2G and 3G owners feel even more left-out, holding down the home button on the 3G S takes you to a voice control interface, although features like this may find their way into iPhone's OS 3.0, which Apple will be making available sometime in the next month - probably in unison with the 3G S release date (June 18th in the U.S. and August for the rest of the free world).

With pricing similar to the 3G when it became available – contract pricing of $199 for 16GB and $299 for 32GB and *choke* $99 for 8GB – the new iPhone 3G S will undoubtedly suck in a whole new set of tech mavens.

My only advice to the 'late adopters?' Enjoy it while you can. And when you’re done enjoying it, there's a seat here, waiting for you. All you'll have to do is stand up and admit that you, too, are a child of the relentless recursiveness of modern technology.

PSPgo a No-Go

Applauding companies like Sony for introducing better gadgets is akin to applauding police officers for catching the bad guys. They may have earned an A for achievement, but at the end of the day they're just doing their jobs.

Conversely, when they don't do their jobs it's time to let them hear about it, and the new PSPgo by Sony Computer Entertainment is worthy of loud objection.

The successor to the PSP-3000 was unveiled last week at E3, amidst a great deal of speculation about Sony's response to its main competitors in the handheld gaming market, the Nintendo DS/DSi and Apple iPhone. After a modest amount of oohing and ahhing, media outlets are now waking up to an aromatic bubbling that may smell like coffee and even look like coffee.

But it isn't coffee. What it is, in fact, is a decaffeinated version of what should have been the next-gen of mobile gaming; but no amount of sugar could sweeten what is clearly the bittersweet evolution of a device that had every opportunity to take back a market Sony once dominated.

At first blush, there appears to be much to wow about. The size – approximately that of an iPhone or iPod Touch – is compact and pocket-friendly: practically speaking, something the first generation of PSPs never were. Its weight - 40% lighter than its predecessor – is also laudable. The sleek form factor and sliding display – revealing the familiar PlayStation controls – are what one would expect, considering the device was engineered by Sony and considering that Sony desperately needs to keep pace with the competition.

So what happened on the way from R to D? Much. First glances reveal the glaring omission of a second analog joystick, something which PSP users have been screaming for since they tried playing a port of any game that had moved from console to PSP. Instead, the Select and Start buttons adorn what appears to be a design originally intended for a second stick. My guess is that Sony intended to implement a second stick and due to the cost for whatever reason chose to ham-handedly slap oversized buttons there instead. Buttons which seem uncomfortably close to the playing area, considering that Select is also the Pause button.

Volume control has been relegated to the top of the device, out of the direct line of sight. This change is undoubtedly meant for when the device is closed and capable of playing audio and video and not much else. It would have been helpful to fill the gap above the stick/buttons with additional volume controls, but I'm not going to nitpick here. It's a minor grudge.

As expected, Sony has done away with its proprietary optical disc, the Universal Media Disc, or UMD. As stated in a prior post, I'm not particularly disappointed by this, but it does signify the death of the UMD and means that anyone who wishes to upgrade to the new PSP will have to take advantage of a limited-time offer by Sony to have their discs transposed onto memory stick. Whether anyone will take advantage of this remains to be seen. Replacing the UMD will be a hefty 16 GB of memory, something Sony was expected to do as they ramp up their direct download service (via PlayStation Network).

What's troubling about this new device is the lack of a mini USB port. Sony has replaced the USB with a proprietary port which, a la iPhone/iPod, provides a data connection and power supply. Effectively, this renders obsolete all accessories for prior PSPs and ensures that you'll have to shell-out for new PSPgo accessories. Note that the GPS and Keyboard accessories for the PSP – which never quite made it to North America – are included in that list of obsolete items.

Finally, there's the price tag. Sony has never been accused of giving anything away, and it seems a little ludicrous that the current PSP is at the same price point as the Nintendo Wii and base XBox 360. But the PSPgo is entering the market at an MSRP of $249 - $50 more than the current PSP. Consider that the PSPgo does not offer any new functionality - it's just a slimmer PSP with a redesigned form factor, no UMD and no USB - and you may begin to understand why media outlets are beginning to smell something.

Allow me to reiterate: it's not coffee.

PSP, We Hardly Knew Ye.

When Sony Computer Entertainment launched the PlayStation Portable (PSP) in late 2005, I (felt like I) was the first to salivate over the device, which at the time appeared to be the Holy Grail of handheld gaming. Having been bitten before, however (Atari Lynx, DreamCast, need I say more?), I bit the bullet and continued to salivate over the colorful TV ads, living vicariously through my 50” HDTV. Refusing to shell out $200+ for a device that might end up on my Wall of Shame, next to the Lynx, the DreamCast and the Atari 7800.

After Sony released the PSP-2000, however, I took the plunge. The price had come down, into the more reasonable sub-$200 price range; and I even knew the first game I would purchase.

Being an IT consultant, my advice to clients planning on purchasing systems is always this: buy the software first. By that, I mean if you don’t know what software you’ll be installing on your new system, how could you possibly know your required system specs? The principle is similar when considering a game system. For instance, I didn't get my XBox 360 until I discovered a 'must-have' app - Halo 3.

Taking my own advice, I chose my first must-have game, God of War: Chains of Olympus. As luck would have it, Sony had just introduced a GoW red PSP-2000 game bundle, so (for me) it was a no-brainer.

Unpacking the unit and getting started was akin to a religious experience. The brilliant 480x272 TFT screen with its 16.7 million colors was everything the television ads promised. The device was lighter than the black PSP-1000, which was a mixed blessing. On one hand, it was less imposing and its presence during gameplay less noticeable; on the other hand, it felt less sturdy and bricklike, making it seem fragile. You see, even though I hadn’t purchased one until then, my frequent trips to FutureShop were incomplete unless I stopped by the PSP display and admired it, a two-year long ritual that led to my purchase.

I ignored the weight issue, though. It’s the price of progress and the bright red PSP, complete with a silkscreen image of Kratos on the back of the unit, made up for it. Besides, the game itself was astounding, and every bit deserving of the awards showered upon it. Although I miss the extra analog joystick that I came to expect with the PlayStation brand, games that are designed specifically for the PSP – meaning, not direct ports – make the omission forgivable.

Subsequent games that were on my must-have list were almost as enjoyable: Ratchet and Clank: Size Matters, Syphon Filter: Dark Mirror and Syphon Filter: Logan’s Shadow, and Daxter. All games worthy of purchasing a system for the sake of the software. After the ‘A’ list, however, the titles trail off dramatically, and while I’ve played numerous – too many to count – games on my PSP, it has been collecting dust for the past 6 months, awaiting a title worthy of a much-needed recharge.

I don’t want to knock Sony. I think the PSP is a phenomenal piece of technology, and certainly ahead of its time (at the time). But an oft-discussed lack of new games, the advent of the iPhone and a slew of new devices with multi-touch screens have left the poor PSP in a rather tenuous position. SCE has been vocal in its view on a lack of titles stemming from PSP piracy, but I tend to reject arguments like this because we’ve heard it all before with other systems, like the PC, for instance, and piracy has had little effect on PC game sales and the dearth of titles still being released. Since the PSP hardware has seen healthy sales since its inception and relatively healthy software sales, I don’t buy that piracy alone has shuttered development.

PSP2 - coming or GOing?
Recent rumors have abounded about a next generation PSP 2 or PSP Go! and while I’m intrigued by the fan-created concept art (such as the image to the right) which has swept the Internet, I’m a little concerned by reports that Sony will scrap the Universal Media Drive, or UMD. Never a huge fan of the discs, I still believe the PSP has to have roots in the outside world – outside of direct downloads only, as Sony is purported to be pushing. The UMD was a slick idea at the time, but today they seem kinda kitschy. I own twenty or so of the proprietary discs and would like to have the option of using them on the next generation PSP.

Perhaps Sony didn’t do a great job of marketing the discs, as they do offer some versatility. While the concept never took off like Sony undoubtedly envisioned, movies on UMD are an interesting idea and I’m not convinced that it should be scrapped. Considering that my only two UMD movies – Superbad and The Family Guy – weren’t purchases, I suppose I have to concede Sony’s point, though.

If I seem to be waffling, it’s for good reason. I just don’t know. It appears that we won’t have to wait long, however, as Sony is expected to announce its new system in June. While no one should expect those other rumors about a PSP phone coming true, I would bet good money that the next PSP will have me salivating once again. Hopefully the announcement will mark a renaissance for a device which sits faithfully beside me, waiting for a charge that may never come - if I like what I see in the new device.

iPhone OS 3.0: Awesome and Big Bummer, All-in-One

In March, Apple announced its next major revision of the iPhone OS, version 3.0. In conjunction with the next generation iPhone, this new OS should have existing iPhone users everywhere salivating at its hot new features; although many – myself included – expected these features to begin with.

Better late than never, right? Yes and no, for ‘never’ seems to be Apple’s unequivocal answer to our cries from the wilderness. Some features - which should be standard on any modern mobile device - are still missing in action from this new release, a simple fact which threatens to make an extraordinary device, well…ordinary.

What’s New?
Here are a few of the major updates to the operating system used 'round the world. These ones all fit into my category of FINALLY!, and most of you will agree that they should've been there to start with.Most interesting (and useful) new features:

• Ability to search the iPhone
• Cut, Copy & Paste functionality
• Send multiple photos via email
• Send photos, contacts, audio files, and location via MMS (iPhone 3G only)
• Read and compose email and text messages in landscape mode
• Video recording (rumored)

There are many more proposed features for the OS (I'm not going to deal with those now, but I may if I do a hands-on review), which is scheduled as a free update for all iPhone users this summer. OS 3.0 beta 5 is currently available for registered iPhone developers, and while I normally shy-away from beta releases for gadgets I used on a frequent basis, I may bite the bullet and install it so I can provide a hands-on review. I'll keep you posted on that one.

What’s Not?
I'll cut to the chase. While I'm eager for the aforementioned add-ons, I still have some issues with the OS. Simply put, there are things which would make this little gad the only gad to own, if only Steve Jobs didn't hold every exec at Apple by the short and curlies.

MIA: (Better) Browser Support
It's been no DaVinci code that Jobs decides what goes and what doesn't at the Cupertino Gravenstein. First, there was the airtight policy for iPhone apps that means not only does Apple restrict what apps are available, but they also reserve the right to cancel them after the fact. Then there was Jobs' all-out snub of Adobe by choosing not to provide Java or mobile Flash support in Safari, the native iPhone browser. This move crippled what is otherwise a superb – and has potential to be the best – mobile browser out there.

Nor will we see any such support in the proposed future. This to me has to the most glaring omission from what is otherwise the best gad in the world. Seriously, I mean that. I've been a gadfreak since I was a little tater tot and I've never come across anything so close to the perfect app. "It's a phone. No, it's an iPod Touch. No, it's a mobile gaming device. No, it's a GPS. No, it's a MID. No, it's a…" See what I mean?

The glaring omission of the two most ubiquitous technologies on the web today – Java and Flash – means that the browsing experience is going to be stilted. And you're going to notice it, I guarantee you. You just can't surf to a page today without finding some sort of implementation of the aforementioned code and it just sucks when you're on a good-looking page – like this blog – and you see an ugly gap where the Flash should have been.

MIA: Skin(ny) Dipping
Another feature missing from the iPhone OS is the ability to use skins and themes. This is just a theory, but I believe Apple is so in love with its own OS that they can't imagine why anyone would want to mess with perfection. But if you're anything like me, then you like a little novelty in your life and the Spartan black screen just doesn't do it. If you're really brave, then you probably went and jailbroke your iPhone. Once there, you'd have access to all sorts of skins and themes using apps like Winterboard.

That Apple isn't implementing this feature into the next OS is troubling, because while it has little to do with functionality, it's one of those things that people expect in their gads today. If you doubt me, walk down to your nearest Apple Store, BestBuy or Radio Shack and browse the iPhone/iPod accessories. There you will find rows upon rows of things which, while relatively useless, make your phone pretty and somewhat unique.

MIA: Better Ringtone Support
Surprisingly absent from all iterations of the iPhone (including the upcoming OS 3.0) is the pretty-much standard ability for ringtone customization. Standard in even entry-level cellphones on the market today is the ability to assign specific ringtones to contacts, change ringtones for things like calendar events, MMS messages, emails, and so-on. Of the ones I've listed, this missing feature is probably the most frustrating, since we've been spoiled to expect this in our phones. Custom ringtone support is akin to leaping through tiny hoops, too, requiring a computer engineer and two level 5 wizards to get it working seamlessly in iTunes. On this one, I have no choice but to give Apple a big 'for shame.'

MIA: Background Apps
Arguably the most glaring omission from the iPhone’s bag of tricks is the ability to run applications in the background. If you’re like me and still suffer from an early childhood diagnosis of hyperactivity disorder, then you should be able to share my pain. A staple for any multitasker, background apps can allow you to do neat (and basic) things like flip over to your camera app in the middle of writing an email; or access a third party app while you’re browsing with Safari. Unfortunately, the iPhone forces you to head on back to the home screen every time you switch between applications, and you needn’t expect that to change with OS 3.0.

Conclusion
It's gadget 101. Everyone is vying for a piece of that big ol' apple pie, and even though iPhone has a solid installed base, one only need look at the device it usurped to get there. The new features of OS 3.0 are great, exciting even, but with a few unbelievably glaring omissions, is Apple giving the competition a chance to knock it off the throne? Time will tell, I suppose, but until then, I'll guess I'll just have to keep surfing the net without Java and Flash, live with my old fashioned ringtone for all my calls, and look away from the Spartan black screen when I'm swiping my finger.

(sniff, sniff)

Paper or plastic? Or utter frustration?

Most everyone today should have some sort of understanding of the environmental issues threatening to destroy us. One cannot turn on the TV without seeing a PSA extolling the virtues of wind energy or reinforcing the evils of 'clean coal .' We can't purchase a product without receiving some sort of message – subliminal or in-your-face flagrant – about packaging, CFCs and the new 'three Rs.' Yes, in gentler times reading, 'riting and 'rithmetic was the social message which got us motivated; but today, reduce, reuse and recycle has become the mantra for what will save us from experiencing the same fates as the dodo and dinosaur.

Generally speaking, the idea of recycling is a great idea. No one in their right mind is about to dispute it. But when does the social consciousness become madness? I'll tell you when. When it's hidden behind modern corporate greed and the ill-conceived notion that we're all morons who can't control the innate urge to toss an Oh Henry! wrapper on the street instead of a nearby trashcan.

Case in point: my trip to the supermarket this week. It's been more than a month since the Real Atlantic Superstore – a branch of national grocery giant Loblaw, Inc. – announced their new plastic bag policy. Here's the gist: when you buy their groceries, Loblaw will charge you 5 cents per plastic bag used. Simple enough, right? The intent here is to reduce the amount of bags going into landfills – in the case of Loblaw, by an estimated 1 billion bags by the end of the year. Sounds reasonable, right?

Perhaps we should all pat ourselves on the back now, for being forced to participate doing our part in a green initiative to save mother Earth. Oh wait, see what I did? We're not being given a choice, even considering the options forced down our throats given to us by Loblaw.

Option number one is to bring your own plastic bags. You know, the ones which pile up under your kitchen sink? Surely they've been there, decomposing, since you moved them out of your university dorm and into your new house, and every house you've lived in since.

Option number two is to shell out a buck for nifty cloth bags at the checkout counter. It's reasonable enough. The bags are strong and somewhat attractive. More importantly, they're reusable. But the reality is, unless you're prone to hugging that oak tree in your back yard on a daily basis, will you really purchase ten or twenty of these things and bring them with you each time? What if your family was particularly afflicted with the munchies last week and this week you need twenty-three bags? Okay, you shell out a couple of bucks for the sake of the environment, feel good about yourself and cart the bags back and forth from home to store. It doesn't matter that you're gonna look rather silly walking into the store, arms piled high with black cloth bags. It's all for the good of the environment.

(Please note that, since the policy was implemented, I have never seen anyone walking around the store with more than two or three bags in tow. Which suggests either: a) no matter how environmentally conscious, they just can't be bothered to carry twenty or thirty bags with them, or b) they eat like anorexic birds.)

Before I move on to what prompted me to opine about this, it should be noted that the cloth bags are not without their own troubling issues. Contaminated with bacteria? Are you kidding me? Fecal intestinal bacteria? What the hell are they doing when they make these bags?

Option three is to pay the 5 cents for the plastic bags we`ve all grown accustomed to use. 5 cents is a small price to pay, and one could theorize that by paying the 5 cents, you are (in a retroactive manner) doing your part to protect the environment. Loblaw has already stated that they will donate what`s left after they make their money "partial proceeds" to the World Wildlife Fund. It`s roughly equivalent to the recycling premium most people pay when they purchase soft drinks and bottled water. That little stipend at the end of your weekly grocery bill that doesn`t really bother anyone. Problem solved, right? We can all go back to feeling like the universe makes sense, right?

WRONG.

Since Loblaw implemented their new policy, I've taken to patronizing my local Sobey's store, another large supermarket chain. Currently, my local Sobey's hasn't implemented a similar policy, although Sobey's in the Toronto area have, so it's just a matter of time. In the few instances when it was less convenient to shop at Sobey's, I hauled thirty feces-laden cloth bags swallowed my pride and set out for the Superstore. Each experience has been one loaded with frustration. First, if you use the regular checkouts, you're greeted by someone who doesn't want to be there a pleasant cashier whose sole purpose in life is to ask you if you wish to purchase bags today. Since I don't like getting chocolate in my peanut butter mixing my foodstuffs with dangerous bacteria, I leave the cloth bags at home and say, "yes, I'd be delighted to shell out an extra dollar twenty-five for the sake of the environment." You see, I've been shopping for food nearly as long as the day I realized that my parents wouldn't do it for me anymore. After I moved out. Being a bit of a pro at this, I've already figured that my shopping cart today will require twenty-five bags, or a cool buck twenty-five. A small price to pay for the privilege of increasing Loblaws' already ridiculous wealth protecting the environment.

Imagine my shock when this brainwashed well-trained employee manages to stuff twenty-five bags' worth of groceries into ten plastic bags. Meat with my Oreos. Eggs with my bread. All crammed into these already-flimsy 5 cent bags. On the plus side, I saved 75 cents, partial proceeds of which would've gone to the WWF. We even lost some eggs a few weeks back because of this new sorcery, passed on down from the management at the Superstore to their minions. Reduce is a nice idea in principle, but in practice, it sucks.

Not wanting to draw the ire of the line of people behind me (all suspiciously devoid of their own feces bags), I kept my mouth shut and carefully transported my booty home. Grateful that a couple of eggs were the extent of the casualties, I went about my business and resolved to go to Sobey's the next time.

Alas, circumstances necessitated that I patronize the Superstore the other day. As I left the house, the few feces bags we own stared accusingly at me, surrounded by police tape and biohazard signs. I tried to ignore them because this time, I only had a modest amount of things to pick up. "I can use the self-serve checkout," I assured myself. I won't have to watch the cashier stuff my bag like my groceries are a china shop and she's the bull. After getting what I needed – six bags' worth of groceries – I went to the self-serve and waited.

And waited.

"This isn't right," I said to myself. Normally, the self-serve moves at a nice clip. I scanned the people in front of me. No little old ladies, no one with excessive amounts of produce that would require finding them on the system and keying in the code. A mystery. Normally, I like mysteries, but I did not like this one.

When a checkout became available, I quickly devised the insidious nature of the mystery. normally equipped with six weight-sensitive pads, the carousels had been reduced (there's that word again) to two. With a modest amount of bags and only two weight pads, I steeled myself and commenced checking myself out. With each new item I was greeted with the nasally computer voice. "Please place the item in the bag." I was trying! Really! But since I had to juggle six bags' worth of items on two pads, it was a lesson in futility, and had I eggs, I may have broken a few as a I placed bags upon bags, sweating profusely as I realized that impatient people waited behind me, invariably with more than two bags' worth of groceries.

Finally done, I heaved a sigh of relief and headed to customer service. The service rep was friendly and responsive and nodded knowingly when I began telling her how much her bosses' new policy sucks. She had heard it all before. All she had for me was a programmed response.

"You can always bring your own bags," she informed me, of something I knew too well. I shuddered when I thought of rat feces.

"It's not the cost," I assured her, keeping my composure because I knew it wasn't her fault. I even felt a little guilty about complaining about an environmentally-sound initiative.

Having said my piece, though, I headed home with my bags. After unpacking the groceries, I placed the bags under the sink, amongst perhaps hundreds of other bags, each which will be used. They get hung in our kitchen for trash, which reduces our need for traditional garbage bags. They get put in our waste bins throughout the house. They even get used for food preparation, when we make seasoned potatoes or anything else that would normally require a ZipLoc bag. They even get used to collect doggy poop (eww!), although I've been eyeing the cloth bags for that task. After all, what would be the difference?

Each bag will be reused, thus reducing the burden on the environment. Now that I pay 5 cents a piece for them, so what? It's still a good investment. Now, all I have to do is wait and see if Sobey's adopts the same policy here. Perhaps this is my big chance to revisit the fifties and start using my local family-owned grocery store.

I'm not above it.

Idol all done, the people cheered

In a surprising turn of events, last night's American Idol finale didn't suck was worth the price of admission.

The two hour show – with a whole three minutes reserved for the actual results – was replete with shockers - notwithstanding Kris Allen, who proved the judges wrong. Earlier in the season, the judges, led by Simon Cowell, crowned Adam Lambert and cheekily pronouncing him king (or, if you're Kara DioGuardi, God).

But the 22 year old Allen had something to say about it, and so apparently did America. Allen being the newest teen heartthrob, it's appropriate that all those young girls had twitchy phone fingers. Parents everywhere are going to cringe when they get their cell phone bills from AT&T.

For anyone who didn't catch it, there were nearly 100 million votes cast in the finale, a world record according to the accounting guy who appeared at the end of the show carrying an envelope. As if that would bring credibility to the whole thing. No one, including Ryan Seacrest, acknowledged the oddity of a show which averages 22 million viewers per episode getting nearly 100 million votes; but as if Idol's roots are in Cook county, no one ever said you can't vote multiple times.

Update: Nielsen reports that last night's finale was amongst the least-watched of the 8 American Idol finales, at 28.84 million viewers).

Good for Kris. There's absolutely nothing to dislike about the guy, and I don't think anyone doubts that Lambert will land on his feet. Which brings us to the biggest shocker of the night.

KISS. That's right, Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley and…that other guy. With Peter Criss and Ace Frehley long gone (as if anyone cares), the band still rocks it out and still looks great in the makeup. A perfect choice to pair with the nonhuman voice that brews in Lambert's chest, we were in shock and awe as it all played out. KISS. There, I said it again. I'm still flabbergasted that the producers managed to get the iconic band on stage for the performance, but it didn't stop there.

Queen. Rod Stewart. The Black Eyed Peas. Lionel Richie. Keith Urban. The list went on as mega artists past and present performed on stage with the show's finalists. It was a finale worthy of the most watched show in America, and perhaps appropriate, as I believe this was the swan song for the show's 8 year run. Yes, Ryan assured us that Idol will be back in January to net a whole 'nother billion dollars for Rupert Murdoch's NewsCorp, but I for one won't be watching, and if recent reports are any indication, the show's peaked and will soon find its place amongst the honored dead.

I'm going to predict that next season will be Idol's last, that Simon Cowell will be gone when his contract expires in 2010, and that Paula Abdul won't claw her way back onto the Billboard charts. At least one of those predictions is guaranteed to come true; care to guess which one?

Oh yeah: I finally found something redeeming about Kara DioGuardi, and it wasn't her singing voice.

Timing is Everything Edition: When America’s Next Top Models Attack

On the heels of last night's finale of The CW's America's Next Top Model, the show's limited appeal massive success was overshadowed by former supermodel Paulina Porizkova. Her revelation that she was fired from the show was ridiculously well-timed suspicious in the way it coincided with the conclusion of Cycle Twelve.

Telling the Late Late Show's Craig Ferguson that she was fired on her birthday, Porizkova waxed about how the producers wanted to 'cut the fat,' which doesn't make any sense to me, because I think Porizkova looks just super. (Okay, I know what she meant by 'cut the fat' but I couldn't resist) More telling was when she went on to state that the show's producers felt that she has a massive ego, which I find humorous, and I'll tell you why. The show's Executive Producer and creator is none other than super massive ego former supermodel Tyra Banks.

Anyone who's seen the show can't help but feel that the show really isn't about the young hopefuls who starve themselves compete for a guaranteed contract with Elite Model Management and a gig with CoverGirl Cosmetics. 'Ty-ra! Ty-ra! Ty-ra!' the show's opening sequence seems to cheer, like she hired a high school cheerleading squad to follow her around. Gratuitous shots of her strutting around like she's still a supermodel and not merely a successful talk show host and television producer. If I had to guess, I'd say that she loves money almost as much as she loves herself misses it and this is her way of getting those glory days back.

Not that I feel badly for Paulina Porizkova. I'm sure she'll land on her feet somewhere. And no, I'm not surprised that two former supermodels are going head-to-head like Saturday night at WWE Smackdown XLVII. But I had to chuckle when I heard that Paulina was told she has a big ego. OWWW.

'HELLO? POT HERE! KETTLE, YOU'RE BLACK.'

Oh yeah, Teyona Anderson is America's Next Top Model. Big deal. It's just another reason to pick up a copy of Seventeen, which I stopped buying because Christina didn't appreciate it when I left them on top of the toilet never read.

American Idol: America gets it right (sort of), & judges get it way wrong

American Idol narrowed it down to two last night. Fox's license to print money megahit reported 88 million votes from Americans wanting to have a say in who goes on and who stays behind to clean up the pile of junk sitting on the floor between Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell. Reportedly, it was Paula's mess of empty coke Coke containers, mascara bombs and love/hate notes between Paula and the inimitable Cowell. Not-so-reportedly, it was Danny Gokey who got the call to clean up the uncomfortable memories of PaulaCowell's antics.

Danny Gokey's gone, and I'm sad about that, but I'm not about to say that America got it wrong. He's talented; there's no arguing that. But what makes him interesting is his story. Four weeks before his audition last year, Danny's wife Sophia, his high school sweetheart, died on the operating table undergoing surgery for a congenital heart defect. Needless to say, the producers at American Idol milked that one for all it's worth, but eventually even Idol producers have to move on and focus on what the show's supposed to be about. Bags upon bags of cash. Talent. The young Gokey, a devout Christian who regularly leads his church in prayer in Milwaukee, WI, came down on the negative side of America's judgment, and it's probably the best thing that ever happened to him.

American Idol's track record ain't stellar. The show's seven winners – Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks and David Cook – have arguably had a mixed bag of success, with only a couple of those names really taking off and having significant careers. Don't get me wrong. It's still a pretty good track record, but the idea of the show was to take a barometer reading of America by having them vote by phone. Theoretically, if twenty or thirty million people care enough to pick up the phone and vote for one person multiple times in any given week, then twenty or thirty million should want to buy that person's album, right?

But a few names are missing. Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry, Clay Aiken, Kimberly Locke, Diana DeGarmo, Josh Gracin, and so-on. Former contestants who got booted early or ended up as runner-up, they all went on to have pretty decent careers despite America's itchy and questionable (remember Sanjaya Malakar?) phone fingers. Of the list above, Jennifer Hudson is easily the most successful, with a Grammy and an Oscar to her name. Not bad for someone who was the seventh runner-up in the third season of American Idol.

So I don't think Danny has to worry. His gravelly voice and his compelling story pretty much guarantee him some sort of success, and given the track record of those who have gone on to win the whole ball of wax, I'd rather see him avoid the Curse of Idol and get ousted early.

But the judges are another story. What sometimes seems to be poorly-choreographed tension between Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell has turned into an uncomfortable exchange of egos. DioGuardi, who takes all her leads from Randy Jackson, has proven to be a bad addition to an already ill-conceived cast of characters. Normally, I might find their exchanges interesting, but the arguing and petty beefs now seem to overshadow what should matter: the talent. In so many instances that's it's impossible to count them this season, the judges have wasted their time bickering instead of doing what they're supposed to do. Provide critical analysis of the performers standing nervously in front of them. It's tough enough for these kids without having to stand there with everything exposed, while watching the inexplicable antics (like Paula giving Simon a pack of crayons).

As I stated in previous posts, I think it's time for this show to end, and I won't miss it. I can always get downloads of Simon from Britain's Got Talent.

I'm white and I like stuff.

Just over a year ago, fellow Canadian Christian Lander started a blog about the stuff white people like. Apparently, the blog, co-authored by Lander’s friend Myles Valentin, came about after Valentin teased Lander about watching HBO’s The Wire. Today Jeff Jarvis, author of What Would Google Do? and new media guru, tweeted that he didn’t like The Wire (actually said that he didn’t think The Wire was so damned genius). Shortly after Jeff’s original tweet it was brought to his attention that The Wire was #85 on the list of Stuff that White People Like. But how can that be? Jeff is white and says he doesn’t like it. I’m white and I loved the show... thought it was brilliant, especially the five minute scene/conversation using nothing but the word “f#@*”.

(Just so we're clear, it wasn't five straight minutes of gratuitous F-bomb use. It was a brilliant interchange between two of the show's main actors, Dominic West and Wendell Pierce, communicating non-verbally as they deconstructed the scene of a crime. Every so often, the strategic placement of the F-bomb was meant to speak volumes, as if the word itself was the revelation that would lead them to the killer. This scene showed the depth and versatility of a word, the mere use of which had our mouths washed-out with soap when we were young.)

Now Jeff isn’t just any Joe Schmoe on the street raving on about his opinions; as far as television and entertainment goes, he’s paid his dues and earned his right to be a critic. People flip channels based on his printed word. He created and was founding editor of Entertainment Weekly and was a TV critic for TV Guide and People among a slew of other journalistic endeavors.

Jeff's original tweet and the response about the blog of stuff that white people liked got me thinking about what else was on this list and how many I agreed with…in the end will I turn out to be nothing more than a stereotype?

To be fair, Stuff White People Like is a satirical examination of the interests of the stereotypical affluent, socially-conscious, anti-corporate white North American hipster who typically hold a degree in liberal arts. In other words it’s the yuppie culture of the new millennium.

The list consists of 125 things white people like. I like 76 out of the 100 listed. Or maybe it’s that I’m only 60% white – perhaps I should dig out that family tree. The stand-outs for me include:

• Coffee - Who doesn't like coffee? Especially when you have to dip into your child's education savings plan for your next fix.
• Free health care - Thank you Tommy Douglas.
• Facebook - aka 'how I found the people I went to kindergarten with'
• The Wire - I could go on and on and on...
• Arrested Development - dysfunctional families at their best
• Dogs - I like dogs of all kinds but I'm somewhat particular to Jack Russells and my little Emmy Jane (see photo on main page)
• Living near water - Heck, our lotto commercials have even focused on being able to afford 'cottages' on the water
• Apologies - This may be more particular to Canadians as we seem to apologize constantly and for everything. I bumped into a rack at the store last week and I caught myself saying "I'm sorry" to a piece of metal that later gave me a bruise. Apologizing seems to be second nature for us.
• David Sedaris - Buy his stuff, read his stuff, listen to audio books and then go see him read his stuff!! C’mon go buy it all, you know you want to.
• Farmer's Markets - I even search out farmer's markets when I travel
• Micorbreweries - mmmmm....beer...flavorful, unique beer...
• Musical Comedians - If a stand-up camedian picks up a guitar, good chance I'll be laughing by the time he is done. There is something about joking about a serious topic in a catchy little ditty that seems alright and that we aren't just plain poking fun at someone or something. Maybe I like it more because I don't feel I have to apologies as much for insulting anyone because it just doesn't seem as mean when put to music.

While I haven’t personally experienced all of the items on the list nor do I agree with all of them but, I have to say that if one were watching today’s white North American culture from afar, many of these would seem to fit. Does every white person like every item of ‘stuff’? Of course not. There are some very broad generalizations in Lander’s observations but it is worth a chuckle or two while looking at ourselves in the mirror.

It should also be noted that Lander’s little blog inspired by viewing habits of The Wire has seen more that 60 million hits and turned out to be a very successful book that reportedly landed him a $300,000 advance from the publisher. So maybe he isn’t that wrong in his observations. Perhaps it isn’t that we are all cut from the same cloth, but that we come from the same factory. And yes, as I’m sure Lander (or Nickolas Sparks, Steven King, Dan Brown, John Grisham, etc) will attest to over and over again, white people do like getting book deals (#92).

Waiting for Kirk

I'm glad to see you back. I thought you were gone forever.
- from Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett

I remember the original Star Trek. I was only four, but I remember when it aired. Not in syndication, but when brand new episodes aired on NBC on Tuesday nights. I remember arguing with Mark Lydon, my bff at the time. I thought the transporter room was behind the doors off the bridge and he didn't. I was wrong.

Since then, I've seen every episode of Star Trek. All 80 episodes of the original series (including the pilot, which didn't feature James T. Kirk). 176 episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation. 173 episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. 170 episodes of Star Trek: Voyager. 98 episodes of Enterprise. 22 episodes of Star Trek: The Animated Series. All in all, that's 719 episodes.

There were ten films and two documentaries. I can still remember anxiously waiting in line for the return of the valiant crew of The Enterprise when William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy et al., hit the silver screen with Star Trek: The Motion Picture in 1979. Gripped the edges of my seat when Spock died in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. And so-on.

But after an unceremonious end to the poorly-received Enterprise, in 2005 I was suddenly faced with a grim reality.

That was it.

The sounds of crickets chirping in the night haunted me. No more Trek, no more Trek, they seemed to echo. For the first time since 1987, a part of me, something which has been around my entire life, was gone. Gene Roddenberry's epic mythological universe was no longer. No movies, no shows. No Picard, no Spock. No Data, no Kirk.

No Star Trek.

I felt like Vladimir in Waiting for Godot. Alone, destitute, wondering when - or if - Kirk would ever save me from my existential reality. During the past four years, I've often speculated if or when Paramount Pictures would revive the massively successful franchise. While Trekkies all over the world continued to don Klingon outfits and give their Starfleet counterparts the 'live long and prosper' salute, the studio was suspiciously silent. Shocking, really, considering the success of the franchise, which has generated billions of dollars and influenced millions of peoples' lives.

Honestly, I believed the studio would respond immediately to the cries in the wilderness with a new television series. I even came up with a few ideas of my own: Star Trek: Starfleet Academy, or Star Trek: The Fourth Millenium. Sitting and waiting for Kirk, I devised my own characters and lived-out imaginary episodes (not really; I'm just waxing poetic. Bear with me).

But when I first heard that uber-producer/director J.J. Abrams was going to do the unthinkable - start all over again - I did what most Star Trek purists probably did. I cringed. I tried to reconcile the terrifying images that come from trying to imagine anyone but William Shatner as James Tiberius Kirk. Say it ain't so, J.J.! No way, man! NO WAY!

That was my first impression. But, perhaps assuaged by relief knowing that Star Trek wasn't dead forever - and made a religious convert to Hollywood's latest trend of reinventing franchises (à la Batman) - I quickly got over it and searched for my plastic pointy ears. I knew they were in that box somewhere, amongst a panoply of fake communicators, posters of Jonathan Frakes and a Seven of Nine action figure. 'Beam me up!' I cried from the highest hill I could find. (Actually, I was in the tub playing with Seven of Nine, but it was nothing kinky. Really.)

Now, I'm excited. Enthralled, anticipatory. Downright anxious to get myself to the theater to find out why those teaser trailers have made me salivate like a pathetic Pavlov dog. Sadly, it won't be this weekend. Unlike December, 1979, when I was ready to brave the cold and stand in line for ST: The Motion Picture, for the eleventh instalment of the series my fiancée and I have decided to sit-out the initial fracas and see it when we're not going to be threatened by pubescent Ferengi and smelly Nausicans.

Once I see it - in the next week or so - I'm sure that I'll have some things to say about the film, but I'm pretty confident it won't be negative. It might be a little depressing, though, for like the ending of The Wrath of Khan, seeing this latest instalment will leave me with one unpleasant feeling: that I'll have to suffer another two years before the next one.

Live long and prosper.